A few weeks ago, I was sent a sample with “Chocolate Hazelnut” written on it. Turns out that the sample was from a company that no longer exists, so I feel okay about posting the review here now. Because, as you will see, it’s not the best.
Let’s start with the handwritten nature of the bag. This lack of a branding scheme was ominous. Was it made in the basement by a maniac? I have no idea what the ingredients are. We’re going to have to walk into this review hoping one of them isn’t arsenic.
I gave the mysterious bag the sniff test. The tea inside smelled really chocolatey and delicious.
This tea appears to contain black tea, nuts, chocolate chips, and chocolate Rice Krispies. (A quick Google reveals that product is called “Cocoa Krispies.”)
I tried it plain, but thought it tasted like dirt-blood. Once the tea was out of my mouth, however, the aftertaste was awesome. My tongue was coated in some kind of chocolate nut delight. Heck yeah.
So it was time to Go Rogue and dump some vanilla almond milk and honey into that puppy. Alas, the taste was still like getting kicked in the face by a kangaroo.
Is this hazelnut? Do I not like hazelnut? Was this tea made really close to Chernobyl and pick up trace amounts of some sort of otherworldly chemical? Why does its dry tea and aftertaste smell so wonderful — but when the tea is actively in my mouth, I don’t like it?
Did you guys know that Bill Nye is getting his own show on Netflix? What I want is for everyone who reads this blog to hook me up with a little 5-minute segment in which he can explain what’s going on with this tea. How does our sense of taste even WORK?
Also, I just want to meet Bill Nye. Is it weird to have a tiny crush on Bill Nye?
Be sure to leave your thoughts on hazelnut and/or Bill Nye in the comments. Also, if you’re a serial killer, please let me know if “dirt-blood” is a real flavor. Or, if you’re Australian, if “getting kicked in the face by a kangaroo” is a real flavor. I strive for accuracy.
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I have a tiny crush on him, too, so I can’t say if it’s weird or not. :)
It’s a real flavour, but rarer than being boxed in the face by a kangaroo. If that ever happens to you, go to the supermarket, find the kangaroo meat aisle, fry that shit in a pan and show them who’s boss. No kidding, we eat them coz they’ve become a wildlife pest.
There’s really a literal place in the supermarket for it? What does it taste like?
It’s right next to the beef. Very game-y and lean
I had a Whitetail Deer meat loaf once. It was awesome. Like the kangaroo, the American Whitetail Deer are the local adorable thing that overrun the landscape and are rather pesky, honestly. They eat gardens. They have no regard for roads. People destroy their cars hitting them all the time. But you can’t get deer in a supermarket. You need to know a hunter.
On my To-Eat list when I visit the U.S.
I have a tiny crush on him, too, so I can’t say if it’s weird or not. :)
It’s a real flavour, but rarer than being boxed in the face by a kangaroo. If that ever happens to you, go to the supermarket, find the kangaroo meat aisle, fry that shit in a pan and show them who’s boss. No kidding, we eat them coz they’ve become a wildlife pest.
There’s really a literal place in the supermarket for it? What does it taste like?
It’s right next to the beef. Very game-y and lean
I had a Whitetail Deer meat loaf once. It was awesome. Like the kangaroo, the American Whitetail Deer are the local adorable thing that overrun the landscape and are rather pesky, honestly. They eat gardens. They have no regard for roads. People destroy their cars hitting them all the time. But you can’t get deer in a supermarket. You need to know a hunter.
On my To-Eat list when I visit the U.S.